I'm getting sentimental over you - the ink spots is good music

Never thought I'd fall
But now I hear love call
I'm getting sentimental over you

Things you say and do
Just thrill me through and through
I'm getting sentimental over you

I thought I was happy
I could live without love
Now I must admit, love is all I'm thinking of

Won't you please be kind
And just make up your mind
That you'll be sweet and gentle
Be gentle with me
Because I'm sentimental over you

Honeychild, I thought I was happy
but darling, now I got to admit to you
Love is all I'm thinking of
Come on, baby
Won't you please be kind?
It ain't hard for you to make up your mind
That you'll be sweet and gentle
Honey, I mean, just gentle to me

Because I'm sentimental over you...

Still can't sleep.
Been what, 9 days with one 2-3 hours each night?
Don't know how much longer I can last.
I'm so tired and worn out that it hurts to talk and put on this fake smile
Know how to tell a fake smile from a real one? The eyes are the key.
Say you're talking to a girl and she's interested, her pupils will dilate(showing arousal) Also when she's smiling if the skin on the sides of her eye wrinkles then the smile is qenunine, if only her mouth moves and no eye creasing then she's just trying to hurry though the conversation
sorry fellas. So pay attention to her eyes, they tell everything

Odd little tangent there but atleast I taught well nobody how to tell if someones just humoring you

Greetings blog

Seems you're the only one that cares to listen... Well read I guess
Still no followers other then emy, but she doesnt pay much attention
Guess I'll just talk to her when I meet her in Italy.
Still wish someone would go with me
I like to be alone but sometimes even I need a shoulder to cry on or some company other then the characters in my books
Their conversations are so one sided. Ha fatty made a funny.
Trying to stay positive but seeing everyone have everything I want everyday isn't helping.
Know I have gotten a real hug or kiss since I was 18? I turn 21 in 2 months.
Long dry spell don't you think? I never even spooned or cuddled or anything. Really could use a nice cuddle right about now
Maybe if I had, had sex with that girl before before I went to Hawaii and not still had my v-card then I wouldn't be in this rut.

Her eyes make the stars look like they're not shining

Spark of hope had a small bucket of dirt dropped on it today.
Loneliness only strengthens by such acts.
Wish they could understand.
But I can't tell them.
You know I'm not that straight forward.
But I'm not strong.
Took all my courage just to talk to anyone last night
They know I'm not good with people.
Hopefully...

What has been getting me though these long, lonely years

I'm not surprised
Not everything lasts
I've broken my heart so many times
I stopped keeping track
Talk myself in
I talk myself out
I get all worked up
Then I let myself down

I tried so very hard not to lose it
I came up with a million excuses
I thought I thought of every possibility

And I know someday that it'll all turn out
You'll make me work so we can work to work it out
And I promise you kid that I'll give so much more than I get
I just haven't met you yet

I might have to wait
I'll never give up
I guess it's half timing
And the other half's luck
Wherever you are
Whenever it's right
You'll come out of nowhere
And into my life

And I know that we can be so amazing
And baby your love is gonna change me
And now I can see every possibility

And somehow I know that it'll all turn out
And you'll make me work so we can work to work it out
And promise you kid I'll give so much more than I get
I just haven't met you yet

They say all's fair in love and war
But I won't need to fight it
We'll get right
And we'll be united

And I know that we can be so amazing
And being in your life is gonna change me
And now I can see every single possibility

And someday I know it'll all turn out
And I'll work to work it out
Promise you kid I'll give more than I get
Than I get
Than I get
Than I get

Oh you know it'll all turn out
And you'll make me work so we can work to work it out
And promise you kid to give so much more than I get
Yeah I just haven't met you yet

I just haven't met you yet
Oh promise you kid to give so much more than I get

(I said love love love love love love love love)
I just haven't met you yet
(Love love love love love love)
Such a good day yeah
I just haven't met you yet

Be optimistic and kill yourself!

To continue living is pessimistic.

The act of physical living is fundamentally
pessimistic in nature because it basically
assumes that things cannot just be as they
are.

You always have to interfere in order to
make things favorable for you.

You cant' just let your body break down,
because that is unfavorable (a pessimistic
view)

True optimism doesn't see death as
unfavorable

Motivation

(photo related)

So I found my motivation for getting fit! came to me like a swift kick to the face
I dont know why i didn't see it earlier, maybe i did but it just was not tantalizing enough to capture my attention but now I've got I wont be letting go.
Watch out ladies, when I finally discover even the littlest of motivations I am like a train heading to a destination. fast and hard to turn off course.

yes I know its a bad analogy but its not like I have any followers so bite me.

Bet you can't guess what it is ;)

travel journal part 1

Starting in Oslo, Norway at the end of may then meeting my friend in Kristiansand and around the south and east fjords, camping and what not. still no one will come with me though.

other then eventually going to Praha to visit my friend who is going to live with his father I dont have much more planned. aha actually want to spend my whole three months in kristiansand ;)

Hate

You've taken over my mind. You've raped my
thoughts with your image viruses then sold me fake
cures for your own disease. Your words and pictures
scream orders at me like angry prison wardens. When I
cover my ears, your voices echo in my head. I hate
you. When i see your billboards, your talk shows, your
rock concerts and your factories, when I see the work
of your twisted libidos, I want to kill you. I want to set
fires, plant bombs, derail trains. I want to smash your
buildings and tear at your bodies until the skin of my
hands is worn to the bone. I am filled with a rage that
burns my eyes.

I don't want to feel this way. You have done this
to me. These feelings are the fruits of your multi-
billion dollar sowing. And I am not alone. There are
other like me out here. Every suicide, every madman,
every man and women who gets a gun and just starts
shooting -- these are your illegitimate children. They
don't know what they are doing. All they know is
hate for the invisible walls which you have raised
around them, Hate for the narrow path you have tried
to make them walk. And the innocent pay in blood for
your negligence

Remember this: My mind is big. The more you try
to push me down and make me small, the greater the
pressure inside me becomes. The greater the pressure,
the greater the chance of explosion. There was once
a time when i felt love, but now I feel only hate and
anger, and fear at what i might do. And you can tell
me to "BE HAPPY," but i know what you really mean

"BE QUIET".

fish is meat damn it

Just because fish is not always red does not mean its not fucking meat!
meat is the flesh of an animal used as food or things like the insides of nuts are sometimes called meat too.
meat is not just cows or pigs or any other animal that is farmed for food; meat is all flesh, or organs, of animals that is eaten

stop fucking calling yourselves vegetarians if you eat meat and please stop acting better then meat eaters when you say you're vegetarian but really not

Rememberence.

Let us start this story by telling of my 7th-11/12th years.
My dad was dating a woman named Kathy, who didn't seem too bad at see but I can not be sure I have very few memories before the day of their wedding January 21st 1999 or at least I can not differentiate the ages of each memory, and she had a son a bit older then me. The son, Patrick, my former step-brother was a taller, much more attractive, more fit, older, red headed Irish boy. Patrick also went to a prestigious private school where as I was stuck in the lower classed public schools, Patrick got everything. Patrick got to sleep in, got the best clothes, had the best friends, got all the girls interests, had the better education, ect.... who also let me know i was worth less then him everyday. I as the lowly fat kid had nothing but his cat who was eventually put down due to getting feline leukemia; I had very few friends except for the "friends" who were actually Patrick's friends but lived in the neighborhood. Not to mention that Kathy disliked me, the slighted provocation towards her lead to me being grounded which meant isolation in my room and missing out on anything that the people who could of been my friends were doing.
so that was the whole of my existence for four odd years, several of which were necessary for emotional and mental growth' but guess what! I was deprived of those necessary experiences by that harpy of woman and her passive aggressive son.

Fast-forward to the age of 20, I am still an over weight, baby-faced loner with very unrefined communication/social skills that lives in a hostel on Ocean Beach, San Diego. how do you think a socially awkward 20year old with the emotionally development deprived childhood due to a mentally abusive step-family does in a place with dozens of people, some new some old, trying to be friendly with him day in and out? not well. I am on the verge of a breakdown nightly because of trying to communicate and develop these social skills.

THEN! add in a older, more attractive, more fit Irishman who gets every girl he goes after. 2nd day he was here i believe he got a girl in a bar, conquered her then went to TJ with her the next day to be stranded then spend that night with her again. during all this we both made friends with a dutch girl, Gaby, and a Mexican girl, Leslie. Guess who is such better friends with them then me? him. oh then just this morning a very Attractive and fun young lady from South Africa shows up and starts talking to me in the kitchen. unusual so I was scared out of my mind but I talk to her about her ambitions, tattoo idea, my tattoo ideas, my trip, her trip, ect... we start to be friends I believe, that goes on for like over an hour then Greg(the Irishman) shows up with his friend Oran, and we all hit it off out side with beers and bottles of wine. Now I don't drink but I had a beer and 2 cups of wine just to fit in and seem more relevant to everyone but no longer then 2 hours later is Saskia(south African girl) rubbing all over Greg's legs, then eventually she has her legs in his lap, hands in back of pants, ect...
I on the other hand am sitting on the side of the table opposite the two couples and third behind them, all alone and basically being Ignored. except by Oran but he only asks me whats wrong then a second later is distracted by one of the other girls.
Being the socially awkward weirdo with Tourettes syndrome, OCD, stuffy nose, sleep apnea, overweightness, ect... all I can do from punching Greg straight in the face is just leave and an hour later no body really even noticed that I left the table
It would not feel so bad if I had not explained to Greg a day or so before that I am so socially awkward and it takes me time to talk to people AND that I liked having Saskia around.

this whole experience just adds to the hole in my heart!
I hate this all, I just want to leave and never have to deal with any living being again.
that or die. have not decided which yet.


and its not like I expected to get with Saskia or Gaby or even Kate but damn it! Is having the feelings returned that hard? I am that weak of a person that these women dont see any need to think about how I feel? I try so hard but no one ever notices!
EDIT: March 6th
And again today something happened, I finally managed to talk to one girl in particular but not to long after that guess who's in another guys arms? her.

People who read this will say things like "how could we of know?" maybe you would know if you tried talking to me damn it! I am not hiding anything, if you ask me a question I will answer it honestly. how about someone asking questions of me for once other then "you alright" if you had to ask then clearly you noticed something wrong! ask something else!

Made it to the hostel last night. sick from the plane ride again. didnt sleep much last night but walked the pier and explored a bit then got a turkey club from a decent diner

Party of one

I'm so tired of being alone! I want a mate so bad, not to mate but a mate. A long term/lifelong relationship between me and a woman that I have strong feelings for. The worst part is that I'm going to Europe for over a year and doubt I'll find woman that will run off with me to join my trip or anything like me. I am so depressed and lonely, hopefully this trip will help but I dont know..

A horse and a man, above, below

One has a plan but both must go

Mile after mile, above, beneath,

One has a smile and one has teeth

Though the man above might say hello

Expect no love from the Beast below.

In bed above we're deep asleep.

While greater love lies further deep.

This dream must end, this world must know:

We all depend on the Beast below.

People who play RPGs need more than some pretty graphics and nonstop action to whet their claymores; they want depth and character and wit and drama. They want the thickest, most involving novel that they've ever read translated to their 720p screen, with themselves as the hero. That's what I love about people who play RPGs. They're so reasonable

Doctor Manhattan would destroy silver surfer anytime!

My favorite book is about a boy walking through the forest and he gets transported to another world filled with magic and monsters and gods; with several worlds stacked on top of each other, like Yggdrasil from Norse mythology. When I read this work of art all I can think of is how fucking lucky this guy is to get a chance to really live somewhere wild and untamed; somewhere he can do something interesting. Even if it is just a book, I envy him
yes, yes I know everyone says "make like interesting if it's not" or " if you don't like your life, then change it" How the fuck can I do that in this piece of shit, over-sized blueberry of a world? there is no magic, no monsters, no challenges, no reason to wake up other then to buy and consume! This world sucks and nothing can be done with it
I think what everyone meant by the world will end in 2012 is that everyone will realize how boring this world is and just kill themselves

Living

It isn't about the materials in life, It is about living and using your materials to help you live, not become overly consumed by greed for the materials. It's about getting by, living free, and making happen on your own

A Great Enemy

Him: I think only people like you and I are, people who look for a deeper meaning in life other than waking up early every fucking day to go to work so we can buy and consume. We want to wake up and face a great enemy, face a challenge, something worth fighting for and actually living. this world blows."

Me: I don't think there is any deeper meaning in life, the reason we exist is because of a cosmic accident, not due to any greater being or deeper meaning that many seem to obsess over and because of that we are free to live our measly lives however we want: which is what I going to do.

Consumers and Sheep