Rememberence.

Let us start this story by telling of my 7th-11/12th years.
My dad was dating a woman named Kathy, who didn't seem too bad at see but I can not be sure I have very few memories before the day of their wedding January 21st 1999 or at least I can not differentiate the ages of each memory, and she had a son a bit older then me. The son, Patrick, my former step-brother was a taller, much more attractive, more fit, older, red headed Irish boy. Patrick also went to a prestigious private school where as I was stuck in the lower classed public schools, Patrick got everything. Patrick got to sleep in, got the best clothes, had the best friends, got all the girls interests, had the better education, ect.... who also let me know i was worth less then him everyday. I as the lowly fat kid had nothing but his cat who was eventually put down due to getting feline leukemia; I had very few friends except for the "friends" who were actually Patrick's friends but lived in the neighborhood. Not to mention that Kathy disliked me, the slighted provocation towards her lead to me being grounded which meant isolation in my room and missing out on anything that the people who could of been my friends were doing.
so that was the whole of my existence for four odd years, several of which were necessary for emotional and mental growth' but guess what! I was deprived of those necessary experiences by that harpy of woman and her passive aggressive son.

Fast-forward to the age of 20, I am still an over weight, baby-faced loner with very unrefined communication/social skills that lives in a hostel on Ocean Beach, San Diego. how do you think a socially awkward 20year old with the emotionally development deprived childhood due to a mentally abusive step-family does in a place with dozens of people, some new some old, trying to be friendly with him day in and out? not well. I am on the verge of a breakdown nightly because of trying to communicate and develop these social skills.

THEN! add in a older, more attractive, more fit Irishman who gets every girl he goes after. 2nd day he was here i believe he got a girl in a bar, conquered her then went to TJ with her the next day to be stranded then spend that night with her again. during all this we both made friends with a dutch girl, Gaby, and a Mexican girl, Leslie. Guess who is such better friends with them then me? him. oh then just this morning a very Attractive and fun young lady from South Africa shows up and starts talking to me in the kitchen. unusual so I was scared out of my mind but I talk to her about her ambitions, tattoo idea, my tattoo ideas, my trip, her trip, ect... we start to be friends I believe, that goes on for like over an hour then Greg(the Irishman) shows up with his friend Oran, and we all hit it off out side with beers and bottles of wine. Now I don't drink but I had a beer and 2 cups of wine just to fit in and seem more relevant to everyone but no longer then 2 hours later is Saskia(south African girl) rubbing all over Greg's legs, then eventually she has her legs in his lap, hands in back of pants, ect...
I on the other hand am sitting on the side of the table opposite the two couples and third behind them, all alone and basically being Ignored. except by Oran but he only asks me whats wrong then a second later is distracted by one of the other girls.
Being the socially awkward weirdo with Tourettes syndrome, OCD, stuffy nose, sleep apnea, overweightness, ect... all I can do from punching Greg straight in the face is just leave and an hour later no body really even noticed that I left the table
It would not feel so bad if I had not explained to Greg a day or so before that I am so socially awkward and it takes me time to talk to people AND that I liked having Saskia around.

this whole experience just adds to the hole in my heart!
I hate this all, I just want to leave and never have to deal with any living being again.
that or die. have not decided which yet.


and its not like I expected to get with Saskia or Gaby or even Kate but damn it! Is having the feelings returned that hard? I am that weak of a person that these women dont see any need to think about how I feel? I try so hard but no one ever notices!
EDIT: March 6th
And again today something happened, I finally managed to talk to one girl in particular but not to long after that guess who's in another guys arms? her.

People who read this will say things like "how could we of know?" maybe you would know if you tried talking to me damn it! I am not hiding anything, if you ask me a question I will answer it honestly. how about someone asking questions of me for once other then "you alright" if you had to ask then clearly you noticed something wrong! ask something else!